How to improve your relationships
The short answer
You improve a relationship with three habits: be honest about what’s really going on, show up consistently over time, and encourage the other person. When there’s conflict, stop asking who’s to blame and look together at the dynamic between you. Those practices work in marriage, in friendship and with other men.
Three habits that change your closest relationships
BraveHeart leader Chris Parker suggests grading yourself from 1 to 10 on each of these, then asking what your next step would be.
- Honesty. Share your thoughts, feelings and struggles, including what you’ve kept hidden. It often feels hardest with the people closest to you, and it’s exactly what the relationship needs. Honest conversations build trust. You can open the door for someone else too: “Is everything okay between us?”
- Consistency. Your deepest relationships are the ones you invest time in, time over time. Chris and his wife sit on the couch with coffee for 15 minutes each weekday morning. They talk about what’s ahead and what’s hard, and they pray for each other. With a friend, it means showing up, not just saying “Let me know if you need anything.”
- Encouragement. Celebrate the other person, know their goals, and remind them of their strengths. “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). Send one encouraging text today and see what it does.
How to have less conflict in your marriage
Stop treating each other as the problem. A BraveHeart survey found that about half of the men responding named too much conflict as their biggest relationship challenge. The tool BraveHeart shared in response is called forging an alliance, and all you need is a pen.
Sit down somewhere quiet and lay the pen between you. It stands for your relationship, the thing you’ve created together. Then each of you answers three questions about the relationship, not about each other:
- What do you love about the dynamic between us?
- What do you want more of in the dynamic between us?
- What do you want less of in the dynamic between us?
“I want you to be less bossy” is about the person. “I want less controlling behavior in our relationship” is about the dynamic. Finish by making a small agreement or two, like taking a breath before you respond. Start small and build from there.
This tool assumes a basically healthy relationship. If you or your family aren’t safe, please reach out to a licensed counselor or a domestic violence hotline.
Your deepest relationships are the ones you invest time in, time over time.
How do you find real friends as a man?
Start looking for them on purpose. BraveHeart leader Nicholas Sowell calls it the red car theory: once you’re told to look for red cars, you see them everywhere. Look for men whose lives show the wisdom and character you want, then ask one to coffee.
You need two kinds of men. One is ahead of you in life and can show you the way. The other is in the same season and can walk it with you. With either, you need a place where you can bring your whole self, including the parts you usually hide. If you don’t have that yet, start with the BraveHeart Brotherhood.
Questions men ask
What is the most important thing in a relationship?
There’s no single thing, but BraveHeart leader Chris Parker points men to three: honesty, consistency and encouragement. He calls encouragement one of the biggest life sustainers of a relationship.
How can I connect with my wife when we’re both busy?
Find a small, fixed window. Chris and his wife use 15 minutes each weekday morning to check in and pray. He also suggests imagining what five minutes of intentional, eye-to-eye conversation every day for a year could do for a marriage.
How do I stop fighting with my spouse about the same things?
Shift the focus from “you’re the problem” to the dynamic between you. Ask what you each love, want more of and want less of in the relationship, then make small agreements together.
Why is it so hard for men to make close friends?
Many men long to be fully seen and known but stay hidden, and few are willing to have honest conversations. It starts with deciding to look for men you respect, then being courageous enough to be vulnerable with them.
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
Join a free brotherhood of men on the same path, or go all the way in at the BraveHeart Intensive.
