How to break negative patterns and overcome bad habits

Why do the same patterns keep coming back?

Usually you’re fighting the behavior while something else is running the show. BraveHeart calls this your shadow mission: a hidden belief quietly running your life from the shadows. Often it’s fear in disguise. BraveHeart leader Chris Parker points out that fear can look like overthinking, control, procrastination or playing it safe.

Patterns also grow through drift. Nobody wakes up and decides to wreck his marriage today. It happens a degree at a time, while we mistake being busy for making progress.

Trying harder doesn’t reach the root. Reading back through his old sermons, Steve Harper saw how much he had preached “do better” and “work harder,” and how little that self-effort counted for. There is far more strength in waiting on God than in trying to do what only He can do.

Five steps to break a negative pattern

1. Name it. Know where you’re vulnerable. Steve Harper’s description of himself in shadow is “selfish, fearful, angry, judgmental and hedonistic.” You can’t defend against what you won’t look at.
2. Bring it to God for counsel. God doesn’t condemn you and walk away. “Come now, let us reason together” (Isaiah 1:18). Ask Him for help with the specific thing, and expect a conversation.
3. Make one small, specific change. Steve’s struggle was sugar. His rule is five S’s: no sugar, no syrup, no snacks, no soda and no eating after sundown. Chris’s example is walking around the block once after work. A small course correction now pays off for years.
4. Check in with brothers every day. Steve and a couple of friends share their struggles every day, each with his own issue, and he says it has been a huge help.
5. Turn toward the light. If you’re facing the sun, your shadow falls behind you. When you catch yourself walking in shadow, do a 180 and look back toward Christ. Then say what’s true of you out loud, using your identity statement.

How do you overcome fear that keeps you stuck?

Start by remembering. Chris’s antidote comes from the way God kept asking Israel to remember what He had already done. Look back at what you feared that never happened, and what you came through.

Then act before the fear is gone. Living in fear means letting it own you, but you can still do courageous things while you’re afraid. Try finishing this sentence about a year from now: “I’m so glad that I...”

When should you get more help?

Some patterns need more than a good morning routine. BraveHeart’s training isn’t therapy or a recovery program. If a habit or addiction is harming you or the people you love, please also talk with a licensed counselor, a doctor or a recovery group. If you’re thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 in the US, any time.

BraveHeart also has a talk on breaking free from porn: Breaking Free From Porn (How it Actually Works).